Last glance
by flaming phoenix of pride
Summary: I can feel myself shaking, yet tears refuse to fall. Is this my punishment? For having doubted her? Why can’t I…? My spine turns to ice and I still can’t do a thing.


I knew that I shouldn't have been so harsh with her. She always did do something stupid when she was cross with me. I saw her, as she spoke to Dawn atop the tower after I had dispatched Ben. The look on her face, it should have told me everything. Yet, for some reason, it didn't. I feel like such the bloody fool. She had told us clearly at the shop that she would stop anyone who would try to harm her sister. If I know one thing of my slayer, if she put her mind to something, hell itself can not dissuade her. It's what had kept her alive for so long. I have to wonder what she'll do now that the options had been severely limited.

I have to pause, the steps creak loudly beneath my feet. Good lord, my side is on fire. Seems that the pain medication burned away with the overload of adrenaline. How bloody joyful. I close my eyes for a moment, lean on the unsteady railing and I can't help a flash of images and voices.

_Read me the signs, tell me my fortune, you're really a lot of help with all of your books! _

_Don't suppose I am._

I have to keep going, I need to get to the bottom of this massive - for a lack of a better word - construction. I have to see what my throbbing heart refuses to believe. My feet reach the firm concrete of the ground, my mind blurs once more, words galloping through my mind as the conversation we had before we left the magic box returned with vengance.

_Blood flows and the gate will open the gates will close when it flows no more. When dawn is dead. _I can't look at her as I speak the words, I even remove my glasses as a pitiful attempt to blur her image. It doesn't work. So I down cast my eyes. I truly can't bring myself to see the emotions that I know are burning in her eyes. Those hazel orbs he had watched play over every single emotion in the book over the past five years. The hate that must've shone as I spoke the unmentionable. I can't… I don't think I can take it right now. Tara's outburst startles us all from that exchange completely and though I know that it isn't her fault, a small spike of annoyance rages through me for a moment. Just a single moment before I realize that It's foolish of me to be angered by something that she can not possibly control. Sparing a glance at Xander as he speaks, I can't help but notice the tear glazed eyes that Willow throws his way. She always was a such gentle girl, avoiding conflict when she could. My heart aches for her. Behind me Spike speaks up. His views on the meaning of blood is as accurate as anyone can get. And while I listen to him, I can't bear to raise my eyes. When she speaks, I barely hide the pain that plays in my eyes. Her tries at optimism are agonizing to listen to. And I'm in pain as I tell her the possibility that there might be no two ways around the situation at hand.

_I don't want to hear it. _She was mad at me for not having more faith. I can feel it burning around her like a halo, I don't even need to look up to know. And with that though, my lips parted without any contemplation at what I was about to utter.

_I understand that. _I shouldn't have said that And I know as she swings around to pierce me through and through with that gaze of hers.

_NO. no you don't understand we are not talking about this. _Anger rages in my mind and the burst of ire explodes unbridled from me before I can stop it.

_YES WE BLOODY WELL ARE. _My eyes meet hers and I realize the monumental mistake I made. The tears in her gaze halts the blood in my veins as I finally grasp that her insistent optimism was holding back her shear terror that bubbled beneath her surface. From the corner of my eye I can see Willow looking away from everyone. The poor girl couldn't do anything to help and she knew it. It ate her up inside. Xander, I noted gazed over to Willow, fighting on his seat for a moment. My eyes are riveted on her though. On my slayer. I know that the pain I feel doesn't even rival her's. _If glory begins the ritual… If we can't stop her…_ The explanation was lost before I even uttered it.

_Common say it! We're bloody well talking about this. Tell me to kill my sister. _She raging beneath her cracking exterior and I can see it in her eyes that she's ready to shatter. I have to stay logical. Someone needs to.

_She's not your sister. _The physical pain I feel while saying the words rivals every injury I've ever had.

_No, she's not. She's more then that. She's me. _I feel a useless anger in me as she speaks, keeping her calm where I lost my cool. It's not only that. I should be honest with myself at least. It fear. Pure undiluted fear that she will find the other way to close the gates if we arrive to late. One that will rip her from me. From us.

I step over a piece of wood next to the upturned wheelbarrow and my thoughts are interrupted by what I see. I know that Xander is near me, holding an injured Anya and that Tara is helping a weakened Willow walk. But my eyes can only take in one sight.

_So you like to party with the students, isn't that kind of Swanky?_

_Oh right, this is me having fun._

A brick catches under my feet, reminding me to keep my weakening legs strong.

_Grave robbery, that's new. How interesting._

_I know you meant to say gross and disturbing. _

I can hear the muffled sound of Dawn somewhere behind me.

_Can't you put your foot down?_

_It is down._

_One of these days you're going to have to get a grown up car._

I can't… move any more. I can barely breath my throat is closing in on itself.

_Giles are you breaking up with your car?_

_Well it did seduce me all red and sporty._

_Little two door tramp._

It's as if she's sleeping.

_Miss calendar said you were a babe, she said you were a hunk of burning something or other._

I can't feel any tears. Why aren't I crying. Behind me I can hear Willow desperately trying to contain her sobs. There's a crash behind me to my right and before I even wonder I can hear Spike sobbing openly. Why can't I?

_Remember before you became Hugh Hefner, when you use to be a watcher?_

I can feel myself shaking, yet tears refuse to fall. Is this my punishment? For having doubted her? Why can't I…? My spine turns to ice and I still can't do a thing.

_You never let her do anything…she's 16 going on 40. And you, you're going to live forever…_

I was to harsh on her. And I can never tell her… I never really told her how proud I am of her…I never will. A final thought crosses my mind and I finally feel the tear burn beneath my eye lids.

_Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I…I don't want to die._


End file.
